I'm pretty certain that the way I grew up (single-parent household, mom always working, often alone and, when not alone, not the most wholesome family experiences) has really shaped the way I view relationships. So, when someone tells me that I have to be the hero (read: western world masculinity) to someone, I just feel kind of unmotivated. Writing letters and listening to music and debating and making out... that sounds more motivating.
The hero mentality doesn't seem appealing to me, because my whole life, the only example of a woman I saw was hurt, broken, hopeless... left waiting to be rescued. And, the men who were supposed to be the heroes were abusive, manipulative, and more holding prisoner than rescuing. How does someone who grew up with these bad examples get beyond the hurt and into the desire for a healthy relationship? Furthermore, how does someone... or, how do I, get the motivation to be that man to someone?
A lot of the meetings I've had with George leave me wondering what went wrong with me. We use the word collide a lot, because right now, it seems most fitting. How the cross collides with this grave that I'm sitting in; how the words of Jesus collide with my day-to-day; how the words (or lack thereof) of my past collide with my present-day, lifeless ambitions. It's all kind of coming together at this 4-way intersection, but instead of everything stopping, everything just keeps moving and all these collisions are happening. The damage is so big and fixing it seems so impossible. The idea of fixing it is good, but the actual fixing, some days, seems completely pointless.
I'm learning that you don't walk toward healing, but that the healing is the walking towards being healed. I'm learning that those steps are small, which implies that it might take a while to get there. But, the idea of a place called Healed is plenty enough motivation for me to keep walking.
5 comments:
joey, i am reading that book right now. let me assure you, it is not really anything like a john eldridge book. it is quite astounding, actually. i am thoroughly enjoying it. it is a hard, but great read. it brings some great perspective about men in general, about society, about sex, about family. it gets to the grass roots of who you already are, not who you should be. that is always good.
your healing is as important as being healed. your healing is more about a person than a place. you said it yourself.
as for george, ask him about chaos. he's a bit of a pro in that regard.
thanks for sharing.
halfway through the book right now. definitely agree with drew that Gilder's focus is on who men are now. Gilder writes with authority and his exposition of the cultural landscape is both accurate and eye-opening. if you decide to read the book, i would enjoy discussing it with you further.
David (also a friend of George)
I have certainly been in a similar place Joey...keep walking and "LISTEN" as George would say.
"Collide(oscope)"
Lots of change
Free to change
Wild Movement
Losing perspective
Changing perceptions
No first impressions
Free to BE
Soiree of confusion
Taken by beauty
Emerging
Kaleidoscope
You have the best sherpa I know!
This may sound stupid, but I think that whoever you fall in love with and she with you, you both will be each other's heroes. And it won't be because of some attribute that you each have to strive for (e.g. some "knight in shining armor" ideal), but for all the attributes you each will already have. I like some of John Eldredge's books, but definitely not the Wild at Heart stuff. Miss you!
Wow. All of this is really humbling. Thanks.
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