Life After God

I live on the fifth floor of my condo building.  There are some days I feel like I could open my window, step out into the open air, and walk across the sky.  The invitation to life seems good and true, and it tugs me into a state of euphoria.  Then, there are other days I feel like opening the window, stepping out, and... dropping.  The invitation is too good to be true (read: false), there is no persistent joy, and there will never be a permanent light-heartedness that I want to have.

When I was 16 or 17, I imagined myself at 25 living this amazing life, suffering in a cool way for Jesus.  I thought I'd have it together, have a hot girlfriend/wife, and we would both do these amazing things together.  I never even thought I would really be 25.  And, now that I am 25, I can't help but to feel a little... let down.  

The suffering, for me, is more in the failed relationships.  It's the weight of not having enough.  It's the worry of never finding someone to spend my life with.  I wanted to be suffering for something worth suffering for, not because the band I play in doesn't have a booking agent.  Not because I had an awkward conversation with my dad.  Not because I hate scanning peoples' groceries.  

The reality is, if I continue to relate being depressed and unmotivated to suffering, then I will never find the joy in suffering.  If I make my mindset the suffering, I am giving myself a false-sense of what it really means to suffer.

The suffering for a believer is from God, not from our situations.  It could never exist from the problems of the world, because there is no hope offered in the things in this world.  If the joy is in the suffering, then the suffering must be from God.  If it is not from God (or, my outlook says it is not), then the joy I could've found in the suffering turns into an endless list of problems and pains and can never, ever go away and I will be miserable forever.  Or, I will fool myself into believing that there are only a few problems that arise every now and again, and that is just the way life works.

The wake-up call for me came about 24 hours ago.  It was found in the existence of stumbling sentences, short pauses, pointless questions, and interrupted answers.  It came in a letdown.  It came from understanding that this road marked with suffering cannot, and will not, come with expected problems and predictable outcomes.  It came with a sinking feeling, but it came as truth.

One of my favorite books is by a guy named Douglas Coupland and it's called Life After God.  I don't want to give away the end, but I need to in order to illustrate my point.  One of the characters in the book goes through a whirlwind of events, and finally at the end of the craziness, says, "My secret is that I need God."  Out of nowhere, he just comes out and says that.  

In context to the uncertainty and pain that occurs in my own life every day, sometimes it feels good to just say "I need God."